// discussion of suicide, mental facilities

"locket, where have you been?"

short answer: hospital, for a little while. after i got out i've just been too burnt out to do anything.

long answer: i'd say i don't really want to talk about it, but i'm kind of doing it anyways. without disclosing details on the who, what, why or how a couple of weeks ago i tried to take my own life and wound up in the hospital, and after discharge in a mental facility for a few days. i'm physically fine now aside from the unchanging chronic pain but, like, i don't know. nothings really changed after it, i just feel very tired.

it was scary. it was the same building i've been in previously in a different unit which i'd had a terrible experience in, and i had what i think was my first ever night *terror* while there this time, not just a nightmare. i've been having dreams about it since i got out, too.

i want to play things, i want to do things with my friends, i want to create things, but i'm just so tired. i'm so tired all the time, and when i use up a spark of energy i get i chastize myself for being embarassing and loud or whatever, i'm just kind of in a deep dark well, or a pit.

maybe this was sort of a wake up call that i'm wasting my life away, or maybe it was the opposite- telling me i still have a life left to live. i'm not sure. i've been thinking about getting something to help with supporting my back, maybe a cane. i'm trying to find things to make living feel a little bit easier.

i hate making my friends worry about me even if it happens anyways. that's why i'm spewing this all here, maybe. because my friends don't really read these at all (luckily). or if they do and just don't tell me.. hi.

sorry, this whole thing was like gibberish. i just wanted to say something even though nobody ever looks at this page... i'm kind of just talking to myself, but thats okay, it makes me feel a little better i think.