in a way that i think people with similar experience can relate to, being in pain all the time feels very... embarrassing. humiliating. i feel like my pain sticks out of me like big flags advertising i'm weird and my body is weird, does that make sense?

it isn't something i talk to my friends about often, because i feel like i'm being dramatic and they typically are experiencing worse. chronic migraines can cut short whatever i'm doing and force me to give up and go lay down, and certain flare ups like back or joint pains obviously do the same. even simple tasks like cleaning my cats litterbox, unloading the dishwasher, or doing laundry which require bending down can feel side-splittingly agonizing! but i end up letting my eyes well with tears of pain and try to do it anyways.

it makes me out to be a spectacle that my mother and brother often comment on, i suppose i look incapable and weak; and that is just as humiliating as the pain i feel completing the task! it's all very convoluted, and i typically don't even want to refer to it as chronic pain because, well, sometimes i have good days, right?... i dunno, i feel like no matter how i approach the topic, i might be blowing it out of proportion?

i think most people who experience consistent day-to-day pain consider that at least once; the concept that they're fibbing or that the pain isn't "severe enough" to warrant treating yourself with any gentleness, or to allow your body any relief when it starts to ache.

yesterday my back hurt, but today it feels like my spine escaped my back and is writhing around my lower insides, hitting all sensitive nerves around it to dish out the most punishment possible to me for daring to get out of bed this morning. it's agonizing. see how it sounds like i'm being dramatic or something? it's true, i started crying while i was driving it hurt so bad.

even if i wanted to use a cane or something similar for support/accessibility, i don't have the option to... unfortunate.