// self deprecation, possibly ableist language (directed towards myself)

oftentimes i find myself in a nice situation; i'm doing something fun with people. maybe it's with friends, maybe it's with family, and we'll all be enjoying ourselves. but there's always a common thread... i'll always ruin it.

it doesn't matter the circumstance, it doesn't matter how severe the screw-up is, my brain seems to short circuit and turn me into an inconsiderate monster who is incapable of putting myself into other peoples shoes. i get loud, i get mean, i forget that i'm not the only person on earth, and i find myself coming back to having upset someone.

i can't tell when they're upset- i don't know what i did wrong, when i went too far, what was the moment that i was bad to them until they point it out to me, and then i look stupid. of course, as inconsiderate and brain-fried as i am, i wouldn't pick up that they were upset until later on, when someone else comes and informs me of what i've done.

it's happened so many times. despite me spending so much time working on myself, trying to figure out why i'm horrible at considering others' feelings instead of, selfishly, just my own, it happens in all sorts of ways, in all sorts of situations. whether i take a joke too far or i say something outright mean to someone without harmful intention, hurt is still hurt, whether i meant for it to happen or not.

i wonder often if they think of me as a bad person, and if they do, i don't think i'm allowed to blame them for that. all things considered, i don't think it'd be impossible for them to assume i'm trying to hurt them, considering how often i worry it happens.

i presume that my lack of ability to consider others and their feelings stems from autism, but that feels like a scapegoat to me, "sorry, my autism makes me evil!" no... it's just you!