// discussion of death

in an interesting way, despite never having had a family member die while i was alive, i've always been surrounded by sickness and [the concept of] death. i have seen many things, i have lost many people, but they have never been blood to me. this isn't to say they mean less to me than a relative, but, to say that i would be considered "very lucky" to go so long without losing someone like that. i don't really feel lucky.

a lot of people in my family are very sick right now, it isn't something i like to bring up because it feels oddly selfish. i think about them a lot, especially my grandmother. she is why sewing and quilting is something i'm so invested in. i don't think anybody knows what happened, she just suddenly became horribly sick. she can eat so few things that she can only prepare her own meals.

it shook me greatly. she is such a powerful woman, she has done so much for so many people... she just suddenly became so frail, so weak, and to see her seem to accept defeat at the hands of sickness was something that hurt. i know she is trying to hide it, for her children and grandchildren, but i am one of the people closest to her, and even though she tries, she can't hide it from me.

it makes me reflect on a lot of things to think about losing her. someone who feels so untouchable, who is such a prominent figure in my life, doesn't seem like she can die. but of course, she can, as can i, as can anyone; at any time, in any way. the human mind is so infinitely complex, so vast, expansive and ever-growing, that mortality is almost funny. a person can die, and that's just it. their conscious, their mind, their accomplishments, thoughts, dreams, feelings, stories, ideas, everything can cease to exist. how can the world keep turning when something like this happens? maybe their minds go somewhere far into the universe, far away from here.

tell someone you love that you love them today, please.